Little Washu's Laboratory"
by JockoMegane
Summary: Ryoko sings a little song about "The Draft"


"Little Washu's Laboratory"  
  
By jockomegane@cs.com  
  
SUMMARY: Ryoko sings a little song about "The Draft".  
  
LOCATION: Misc archive.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Tenchi Muyo, or the song this story is inspired by. Pioneer and AIC owns Tenchi, and Arlo Guthrie owns "Alice's Restaurant Massacre." No copyright infringement intended. This fanfic is an inspired parody...or an uninspired rip-off of Mr. Guthrie's great song. shrug I really don't know which.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: While reading it's probably a good idea to listen with your mind's ear to the English dub voice of Ryoko provided by Petrea Burchard.  
  
May the fatuous ass bless us!  
  
_________________  
  
start smooth guitar music  
  
This song is called "Little Washu's Laboratory." It's about Little Washu, and the laboratory, but "Little Washu's Laboratory" is not the name of the laboratory, that's just the name of the song. That's why I call the song "Little Washu's Laboratory." But I am pretty sure that Washu calls her laboratory simply thus...the laboratory. And that's all right, seeing as how she's my mom.  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
Walk right in, it's just under the stairs  
  
Just a few meters from my bedroom  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago...two years ago, on Thanksgiving, when my man and I went down to visit Washu in the laboratory.  
  
Washu alternates between living in other parts of Tenchi's house and various parts of the laboratory (which is located in another dimension) with her creations, inventions, specimens, and her new boyfriend (did I mention him?).  
  
And livin' in the laboratory (sometimes) like that, Washu has got a lot of room  
  
all around, it's pretty much neverending! So it's no surprise that Washu decided that she didn't have to take out her garbage for a long time.  
  
We got down there and found all the garbage in there (quite by accident) and we decided that it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage out to the local dump since we missed the garbage pick-up earlier in the week.  
  
So we took half-a-ton of garbage, along with shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and I began phasing us back and forth between the laboratory and the local dump. Well, it was a lot of garbage, and we were pretty occupied by it all...but after I phased in with the last load of garbage, my man tapped me on the shoulder. He pointed at a big sign on a chain across the dump sayin' "This dump is closed on Thanksgiving," and we'd never heard of a Japanese dump being closed on Thanksgiving before (it is, after all, an American holiday) and with tears in our eyes, we phased- in-phased-out our asses--with the garbage--into the sunset lookin' for another place to put the garbage.  
  
We didn't find one till we came to a side road, and off the side of the side road was a fifteen-foot cliff, and at the bottom of the cliff was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile was better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up, we decided to throw ours down. That's what we did.  
  
Phased back into the laboratory, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, went back upstairs, fell asleep, and didn't get up until the next morning , when we got a phone call from Officer Oshii. He said, "Mrs. Masaki, we found your name on a envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage and I just wanted to know if you had any information about it."  
  
And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Oshii, I cannot tell a lie. I put that envelope under that garbage." After speakin' to Oshii for about forty-five minutes on the telephone, we finally arrived at the truth of the matter and he said that we had to go down and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the Police Officer Station in town. So we flew with the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction (quite difficult, let me tell you) and headed on toward the Police Officer Station.  
  
Now, friends, there was only one of two things that Oshii could've done at the Police Officer Station, and the first was that he could've given us a medal for bein' so brave and honest on the telephone (which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it), and the other things was that he could've bawled us out and told us never to be seen phasin' garbage around in the vicinity again, which is what we expected.  
  
But when we got to the Police Officer Station , there was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, and we were both immediately arrested, handcuffed, and I said, "Oshii, I don't think we can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on." He said: "Shut up Mrs. Masaki, and get in the back of the patrol car with your husband."  
  
And that's what we did...sat in the back of the patrol car, and drove to the quote scene of the crime unquote.  
  
I wanna tell you 'bout the valley around the Masaki Shrine, outside of Okayama, Japan, where this is happenin'. They got three stop signs, two police officers, and one police moped and one police car, but when we got to the scene of the crime, there was five police officers and three police mopeds, and two actual honest-to-goodness police officer automobiles; side by side. This bein' the biggest crime of the last fifty years and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it.  
  
And they was usin' up all kinds of Earth cop equipment that they had hangin' around the Police Officer Station, collecting dust. They were takin' finger prints, footprints, dog-smellin' prints and they took twenty- seven 8 by 10 colored glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explainin' what each one was, to be used as evidence against us. Took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner, the southwest corner...and that's not to mention the aerial photography!  
  
After the ordeal, we went back to the jail. Oshii said he was gonna put us in a cell.  
  
He said: "Mrs. Masaki, I'm gonna put you in a cell. I want your purse and your gems." I said, "Oshii, I can understand your wantin' my purse, so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you want my gems for?" and he said, "Ma'am, we don't want any blastings." I said, "Oshii, did you think I was gonna blast myself for litterin'?"  
  
Oshii said he was making sure, and, friends, Oshii was, 'cause he took out the toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars, roll the toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll with my man and have an escape. Oshii was makin' sure. Which wasn't outside the realm of possibility, I could have phased right out with my man--but I didn't feel like getting us in anymore legal trouble.  
  
It was about four or five hours later that Washu--(remember my mommy Washu? There's a song about Washu.)--Washu came by and, with a few nasty words to Oshii on the side, bailed us out of jail, and we went back to the laboratory, had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court. We walked in, sat down, Oshii came in with the twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, sat down.  
  
Man came in, said, "All rise!" We all stood up, and Oshii stood up with the twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored glossy pictures, and the judge walked in, sat down, with a seein' eye dog and he sat down. We sat down.  
  
Oshii looked at the seein' eye dog...then at the twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one...and looked at the seein' eye dog...and then at the twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry.  
  
Because Oshii came to the realization that it was a typical case of blind justice, and there wasn't nothin' he could do about it, and the judge wasn't gonna look at the twenty-seven 8 by 10 colored glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explainin' what each one was, to be used as evidence against a husband and wife.  
  
And we were fined fifty-thousand yen and had to pick up the garbage...in the snow.  
  
But that's not what I'm here to tell you about.  
  
I'm here to talk about the G.P. Draft.  
  
They've got a building on a planet in the Canopus system called The Galaxy Police Draft Board...not the most creative name in the universe, but it gets the job done...  
  
There is where, if you've got an--shall we say--"interesting" record they have you walk in, you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected! They don't care if you're (or were) wanted by the law! Like I said, they're interested in the "interesting" ones.  
  
I went there when I got a letter in the mail one day, and I walked in, sat down (got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning, 'cause I wanted to look like the All-Humanoid Woman from Planet Earth. I wanted to feel like...I wanted to be the All- Humanoid Woman from Planet Earth), and I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up and all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things.  
  
And I walked in, I sat down, they gave me a piece of paper that said: "Ryoko Masaki, see the psychiatrist in room 604."  
  
I went up there, I said, "Doc, I wanna arrest. I wanna arrest! I wanna see handcuffs and cool guns like what Kiyone and Mihoshi have and galactic speeders and villians! I wanna put obnoxious motherfuckers in prison! I mean: Arrest. Arrest!" And I started jumpin' up and down, yellin' "Arrest! Arrest!" and he started jumpin' up and down with me, and we were both jumpin' up and down, yellin', "Arrest! Arrest! Arrest! Arrest!" and the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said "You're our girl!". Didn't feel too good about it.  
  
Proceeded down the hall, gettin' more injections, inspections, detections, neglections, and all kinds of stuff that they were doin' to me at the thing there, and I was there for two hours...three hours...four hours...I was there for a long time goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things, and I was just havin' a tough time there, and they was inspectin', injectin', every single part of me, and they was leavin' no part untouched!  
  
I'm sure more than a few required hospitalization after I was through with them, I'll tell you...  
  
Proceeding through, and I finally came out to see the very last man.  
  
I walked in, sat down, after a whole big thing there. I walked up, and I said, "What do you want?" He said,  
  
"Mrs. Masaki, we've only got one question: Have you ever been arrested?"  
  
And I proceeded to tell him the story of Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
with full orchestration and five-part kazoo harmony and stuff like that, and other phenomenon.  
  
He stopped me right there and said, "Mrs. Masaki, have you ever been to court?" And I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven 8 x 10 colored glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one...  
  
He stopped me right there and said, "Mrs. Masaki, I want you to go over and sit down on that bench that says 'Group W.'"  
  
"NOW, MRS. MASAKI!"  
  
And I walked over to the bench there, and there's...Group W is where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the Galaxy Police after committin' your special crime. Stupid fucks, what do they expect by attempting to draft people who get at least 500 Galactic Wire service mentions and no more than 1000?  
  
There was all kind of mean, nasty, cool-lookin' people on the bench there...there was bank-robbers...drug dealers...plea-bargainers...PLEA- BARGAINERS sittin' right there on the bench next to me! And they were just my types, all! It reminded me of my travels...before running a foul of Kagato...oh well.  
  
The biggest one, a Elven Ranger from the planet Fatuous, came and sat down next to me...  
  
He said, "Lady, what'd you get?"  
  
I said, "I didn't get nothin'. My husband and I had to pay fifty thousand yen and pick up the garbage in the snow."  
  
He said, "What were you arrested for, Lady?" and I answered, "Well that's kind of a hard question to answer, I've been on the Juraian Ten Most Wanted list for a straight 700 standard years before finally getting arrested for litterin' on Earth."  
  
And they all moved away from me on the bench there, with the hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean, nasty things, until I said, "And being an exhibitionist..." And they all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench talkin' about crime, drug-dealing, bank-robbing, plea- bargaining, and all kinds of groovy things that we were talking about on the bench, and everything was fine.  
  
We was smokin' cigarettes and other stuff, until the sergeant came over, had some paper in his hand, held it up, and said:  
  
"KIDSTHISPIECEOFPAPERSGOTFOURTYSVENPAGESTHIRTYSEVENSENTENCES FIFTYEIGHTWORDSWEWANTTOKNOWTHEDETAILSOFTHECRIMETHETIMEOFTHE  
  
CRIMEANDANYOTHERKINDOFTHINGYOUGOTTOSAYPERTAININGTOANDABOUT  
  
THECRIMEWEWANTTOKNOWTHEARRESTINGOFFICERSNAMEANDANYOTHERTHIN  
  
YOUGOTTOSAY . . ."  
  
And talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said.  
  
But we had fun filling out the forms and playin' with the pencils on the bench there.  
  
I filled out the Laboratory with the five-part kazoo harmony. Wrote it down there just like it was and everything was fine. And I put down my pencil, and I turned over the piece of paper, and there...on the other side...in the middle of the other side...away from everything else on the other side...in parenthesis...capital letters...quotated...read the following words: "Mrs. Masaki, have you rehabilitated yourself?"  
  
I went over to the sergeant. Said, "Sargeant, you got a lot of god-damned gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself! I mean...I mean...I mean that you send...I'm sittin' here on the bench...I mean I'm sitting here on the Group W bench, 'cause you want to know if I'm moral enough to join the Galaxy Police, arrest Outlaws, Space Pirates, galactic jaywalkers, bank robbers, betray my old friends in the field, my brethen...all after being a litterbug."  
  
He looked at me and said, "Mrs. Masaki, we do not like your kind! We're going to send your ID scans to HQ."  
  
I looked straight back at him; said, "You really don't have a fucking clue who I am, don't you?"  
  
And folks he didn't. So somewhere at Galaxy Police HQ, in my already lengthly file, enshrined in another little ridulian crystal, is yet another study of my beautiful identity.  
  
And the only reason I'm singing you this song now is 'cause you may know somebody in a similar situation.  
  
Or you may be in a similar situation, and if you're in a situation like that, there's only one thing you can do:  
  
Walk into the Shrink's office wherever you are, just walk in, say, "Doc,...you can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory", and walk out.  
  
You know, if one person, just one person, does it, they may think he's really sick and they won't take him.  
  
And if two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both....well, wait--no. No, that wouldn't be a problem in the Galaxy Police. Isn't progress grand? I keep tellin' Ayeka...  
  
And if three people do it! Can you imagine three people walking in, singing a bar of "Little Washu's Laboratory" and walking out? They may think it's an organization!  
  
And can you imagine fifty people a day? I said FIFTY people a day...walkin' in, singin' a bar of "Little Washu's Laboratory" and walkin' out? Friends, they may think it's a MOVEMENT, and that's what it is: THE LITTLE WASHU'S LABORATORY ANTI-GALAXY POLICE MOVEMENT!...and all you gotta do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar.  
  
With feeling! We'll wait until it comes around on the guitar again...  
  
Here it comes!  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
Walk right in, it's just under the stairs  
  
Just a few meters from my bedroom  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
That was horrible.  
  
You wanna end The Draft and stuff you have to sing it loud!  
  
I've been singing this song for 25 minutes...and, hey, I can sing it for another 25 minutes. I'm not proud...or tired.  
  
So we'll wait for it to come around again. This time with five-part kazoo harmony in the feeling.  
  
We're just waiting for it to come around, that's what we're doing.  
  
All right now?  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory (excepting Washu)  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
Walk right in, it's just under the stairs  
  
Just a few meters from my bedroom  
  
You can get anything you want at Little Washu's Laboratory  
  
At Little Washu's Laboratory!  
  
THE END 


End file.
